Elliott Bullard: A Life In Seven Chips

Gambling: the dizzying high of being ‘on a role’; the success-drawn floozies; the booze; the soul-harrowing misery that is crawling about on your hands and knees for 2ps to put into one of the 2p pusher-machines; the booze; the feeling that this time you really will 'turn over a new leaf' as you leave yet another dead hooker in a bin round the back of a motel. It’s undoubtedly a world of glamour.

And now is your chance to own a part of that glamour. Among historians of financial ruin, the name 'Elliott Bullard' is legendary. He is nothing less than Orson Welles of scraping together cash. Among his myriad anti-achievements he:

- Once sold a job-lot of ‘invisible bedsheets’ to a local orphanage.
- Once disguised himself as a ball in a roulette wheel and attempted to land on the number he’d placed a bet on.
- Once disguised himself as a racehorse, entered a race after betting on himself (slowed by chronic asthma and arteriosclerosis brought on by diabetes, he came in last).
- Twice succeeded in convincing provincial mobster One-Eyed Tony that a bucket filled with pebbles was a collection of ancient, priceless glass-eyes that once belonged to Atlantis's emperor One-Eye Caesar.
- Invented Scientology.
- cut off his own hand and sold it as a novelty ‘enchanted paw’ remote-control holder.
- Stole a packet of cocktail sausages and sold them to schoolchildren as ‘enchanted monkey thumbs’.
- Sold his own poo at a ‘celebrity poo auction’ as the poo of Jayne Mansfield
- Pretended to be an accomplished street-caricaturist whilst covertly taking a sneaky Polaroid of his subject which he’d then sell as a sketch.
- Had his name legally changed by deed pole to Peter Sutcliffe and his facial features altered to look like the 1970s strangulation-fan, so he could sue various national newspapers (all court proceedings were thrown out, one judge famously labelling Bullard 'the most pathetic being imaginable').
- Spent a full year travelling door to door claiming to be Roger Lloyd Pack - AKA ‘Trigger’ from the popular sitcom Only Fools and Horses - thrusting old receipts and bus-tickets with 'autographs' on them into the hands of whoever opened the door and demanding payment.
- Spent a full year hiring himself out as a ‘professional ghostbuster’ for Catholic exorcisms, which involved little more than dressing in a mismatched tracksuit, with a leaf blower strapped to his back and crying whilst begging for pennies.
- Tried to sell a tub of candy bracelets on eBay as ‘the Crown Jewels jr.’
- Attempted to pass off a tape recording of a malfunctioning fax machine with himself sneezing over the top as a bootlegged copy of an unreleased Karlheinz Stockhausen recording.
- Shaved a bear’s face and tried to pass it off to the British Zoological Council as a rare new breed of monkey.
- Took an Ikea wardrobe apart and attempted to sell it to the British Museum as original wooden fixtures salvaged from the Titanic, along with a pair of large cracked plant pots which he marketed as the 'the Titanic's cannons'.
- Did many, many more things.

We now present you with a unique opportunity to own a small part of this rich, miserable tale: seven betting chips, paid for by one of Bullard's unique, wretched moneymaking brainwaves and lost to a number of Las Vegas's casinos, each lovingly mounted onto a board of commemorative felt to pay tribute to one of the great innovators of failing at existence.

Don't miss out! Phone 0800 55 333 55 with your credit card details now!

Only £29.99!

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Proceeds go towards the Elliott Bullard Foundation whose main aim is to provide the remains of the late Mr Bullard with a servicable gravestone, although the Foundation's chairman is a strict Catholic so most of the money actually goes towards convincing Africans that condoms give them AIDS. Still, buy one. Go on. Please.