Appendix: Further Lies About George Crumb

Hello, blog. In a previous post, I drew attention to 'Stop The Drabblington-On-Sea Flyover', a blog maintained by David Jessop in an attempt, as its name suggests, to prevent a flyover from being constructed in his home town but which had sadly degenerated into a series of brief and patently untrue allegations directed at Gordon Crumb, the Councillor overseeing the construction project. Since that post, I have noticed that Mr Jessop has signed up for an account on the microblogging site Twitter, which he plans to use as, in his own words: 'a platform to tell the world THE TRUTH about George Crumb, the pen-pushing pederast.'

Here are some of those 'TRUTHS':

George Crumb rounds up orphans, crucifies them in his back garden and then pelts them with crisps and pick ‘n’ mix.

George Crumb has a series of ties he wears on a rotational basis to show what objects he’s concealing in his anus for his erotic amusement: yellow means he carries a carrot; red means a small, silenced mobile phone he occasionally sends obscene, nonsensical text messages to; and blue means a beloved, rusting pizza cutter from his childhood.

George Crumb has built himself a hollowed-out snowman near St Arnold’s Primary School. This is so he can watch the children playing and tinker with himself whilst safely concealed within.

George Crumb’s garden also contains a large military cannon and a series of large mousetraps. He uses the traps to capture woodland creatures which he then loads into the cannon and fires point blank into a wall of his house.

At Christmas, instead of giving gifts George Crumb goes on a spree of stealing presents, food and clothing from local children.

At Christmas, instead of decorating a tree, George Crumb decorates a giant steel phallus.

At Christmas, instead of singing festive carols George Crumb wanks to dog-snuff.

A video clip for George Crumb’s local election campaign on YouTube shows him laughing as he vomits into a baby’s mouth.

George Crumb sleeps in a large, mattress-less bed alongside the stolen remains of Buster Merryfield.

George Crumb recently held a Council tea-party to raise funds for Barnardos at which he was photographed there offering round a selection of biscuits on a plate to those gathered. Look closely at the picture however, and it becomes clear he was, in fact, secretly dipping his cock into their scorching-hot tea.

Also, whilst relaxing at home, George Crumb wears a turd-monocle. Yes! A turd-monocle!

The lying paedophile Gordon Crumb