Upcoming Events

I live in a small-ish city. Until fairly recently it was classified as a town and many of the town-like trappings remain, especially culturally. In fact, a lot of people come up to me and say these words: ‘Hey, you. There’s nothing to do in this dump-hole - it’s a cultural poo-nook which fulfils its claim to be a city in only the most dismissively perfunctory sense when it comes to worthwhile events of an artistic or cultural bent. I hate it here. And I hate you.’

Well I say: shut your stupid face and use your tiny, racist eyes to look a bit harder. Here, for instance, is a list of upcoming goings-on for this month alone:

Counting Your Dickens - from October 12th onwards
Your chance to see an exact replica of Dickens’ birthplace. With a difference. Have you ever wondered what Dickens’ birthplace would have looked like if, instead of being a renowned and world-famous novelist from the nineteenth century, he’d been a supermarket checkout worker from the present-day whose home-life centres around hours-long lone Guitar Hero sessions, eating Morrisons Value brand Wotsits and struggling with child support payments? Of course you have. Well, here’s your chance to experience the actual, bonafide, genuine real thing. Literary! And don’t forget to stop off at the adjoining Gregg’s Official Dickens Gift Shop, where you can get your hands on 100% official Dickens pasties, Jarndyce and Jarndyce Sausage Rolls, and a can of Ye Olde Victorian Coca-Cola.

Entry - Adults: £5 Concessions: £5
Additional entry fee to Gregg’s Official Dickens Gift Shop - Adults: £5 Concessions: £5
Note: you MUST make a purchase before you will be permitted to exit Gregg’s Official Dickens Gift Shop. We have guards. And they have tasers.

Boyle Male - October 19th at the 8 Out Of Ten Cats Memorial Theatre
A Q&A Session with popular Glaswegian stand-up and ubiquitous television panel-shows panel-member Frankie Boyle in which the questions, which will be handed to audience members at the entrance, are all pointed towards allowing Frankie to launch into segments from his stand-up routines. These include: 'Comedy's predilection for pushing the boundaries of taste and acceptability is seen as both a socially destructive force and one which progressively benefits our cultural consciousness. With this in mind, do have you any jokes about Fern Brittan being fat?'; 'Stand-ups are frequently described as being hungry for the approval of strangers. With this in mind, could you do a high-pitched impression of the Queen telling Prince Philip off for something he's said?'; and 'Some people say comedians are driven by anger. With this in mind, have you anything to say about Heather Mills and always funny facts that she was once married to Paul McCartney and has only one leg?' The Q&A will be chaired by shadow chancellor George Osborne, who will shortly afterwards give a two-hour speech delineating precisely how the western economic system would collapse should Frankie Boyle die. Those gathered will then be invited to take a ride in ‘The Holocoaster’: a painfully slow rollercoaster which takes the passengers through a papier mache recreation of the city of London, mocked up to recreate the scenes of mass anguish and complete annihilation which would take place should Mr Boyle ever be allowed to pass away.

I Jihad The Time Of My Life - October 21st various venues
Experience the thrill of being among a crowd of angry, extreme-minded Muslims. Feel the irrational thrill of accusing soldiers, politicians and passers-by of being ‘butchers’ whilst simultaneously demanding their deaths by beheading as recompense. Experience white-knuckle levels of outrage that people who don’t share your belief system are seemingly able to contemplate questions about it in their minds without being divinely struck down. Hold a nice big sign. For this year's protest the outrage is directed at Muller yoghurts who have been unyieldingly unrepentant that their company name sounds almost exactly like the word ‘Mullah’ and is therefore unforgivably blasphemous. This comes hot on the heels of last year’s successful event in which anger was expressed at the late John Inman for insulting imams worldwide with his surname.

It's Political Correctness Gone Mad In A Handcart! - October 21st various venues
A companion gathering to the Jihad. Feel yet more thrills at being amid a crowd of people who have things to say that 'aren’t that racist, not really'. Hear middle-class people from small, insular towns in socio-economically well-off locations claim that, because they’ve heard the word ‘paki’ being used in a way they deemed non-offensive, those who have a problem with such language have ‘lost their minds’; marvel as housewives from slightly less well-off locations claim the fact that their much-cherished golliwogs have 'become racist' is against their 'indiginous rights' ; stare in awe as large groups of overweight bald white men take to the streets to defend their notions of 'Britishness': overweight bald white men's right to parade about in public, tanked up on cheap lager, directing their collective repressed sense of life-failure towards an imaginary oppressive alien populace by shouting ‘waaaay!’ for a few hours before going home to terrorise their families then spent the night crying in the shower.

Annual Miserable Billionaire Tries To Cheer Himself Up With Fireworks Festival - October 26th to be held in the South-South-West gardens of The Bundy Manor
A family favourite. As usual reclusive, twisted-with-anguish billionaire, Ethan Bundy, spends a small fortune to commemorate Mia, his long-dead love, with a lavish firework display whilst silently watching from behind he darkened windows of his crumbling mansion. Will there be fun? You betcha! Will there be sparklers? Of course! Will Mr Bundy, as he has the past seven years, grow tired of the spectacle after a couple of hours, emerge from his gloomy abode carrying a shotgun in each hand and fire drunkekly into the gathered crowds? Let’s hope not!

Times New Bowman - October 31st day-long event
That's right! The Annual Edith Bowman Festival is almost upon us once again! Join the locals as they gather at Edith Bowman park - which is off Edith Bowman Lane, just opposite the Edith Bowman International Airport - to celebrate and give thanks for the unceasing wonder that is Edit Bowman. As usual, the festivities will include a three-hundred-piece orchestra performing some of the songs she has recently introduced on Radio 1, with the vocals performed by a full male choir in Bowman's characteristically grating and monotone manner of speaking; the ever-popular Bland Comedic Observations Morris-Dancing Troup; and the performance by local schoolchildren of the traditional dance around the 'Bowman-Pole'. As ever, the festival will draw to close with the solemn ceremonial burning of a giant wicker effigy of Edit Bowman whilst everyone links arms around it and chants the traditional thanksgiving hymn 'My Humps', originally by Black Eyed Peas.