Tube-ular LOLS - The Winner

And so 'Tube-Ular LOLs' draws to a close. Much like the Olympics, this was a contest rich in history, heavy with symbolism, beautiful in its simplicity: the victors claim their seats among the elect, the posterity of their achievements immortalising them forever in the minds of us, the huddled pleb-wits who can only look on, agog and dribbling in baffled awe. Much like the Munich Olympics of 1936, the competition was, as most of you can't have failed to have noticed, hijacked for the purposes of nationalist propaganda by an inadvertently successful racist movement: Nick Griffin alone submitted nearly a hundred entries, mostly varying combinations of the following words: 'face', 'wish', 'looked', 'like', 'from', 'Goonies', 'less', 'Sloth'. (More on comedy racist troupe and Freudian analyst's wet-dream, "The British National Party", next time).

Anyway, aside from a brief power-crazed afternoon where I strutted down the street offering the glorious title of 'Tube-Ular LOLs Winner' to passing women, the true winner was obvious from pretty early on. The winning video, which I'll get to in a moment, is the stellar entry of Jack Faulkner, the Jessie Owens of the contest, was discovered through the genius keywords coupling 'Lampshade Chronicles'.

But, two things before we get to to the clips itself: firstly, let's shake hands with the also-rans. A lot of these are actually really good. They're still losers, obviously, but funny ones. Most, but not all, of these were 'sent in' from the good people of Twitter. Cue the music:

From Martin Higgins:
'Lunatic Horse'
'Intergalactic Barbershop'

From David Craig Morris:
'Zoetrope Lunch'
'Nihilism Vagina' (a very close runner-up, I'm sure you'll agree)

From Katie Taylor (now officially the most famous person on the internet):
'Stolen Meat'

From: John 'Naked John' Dewhurst:
'Eyeball Fluff'

From Richard D. Leslie:
'Erroneous Wedding'
'Eccentric Badger'

From Christina Marie:
'Cream Bastard' (you might want to brace yourselves for this one)

From: Claire Laurraine
'Charlie's Unicorns' (also ace)

Someone - I forget who - sent in an entry for 'Dog Time', which also deserves an honourable mention.

My attempts are as follows. Looking through the list, I can't help but think that if these were someone else's entries, they'd be the sort of of person I'd desperately try to avoid, albeit in as subtle and non-provoking a manner as possible:

'Painted Underpants'
'Rape Wax'
'Miserable Duck'
'Nationalist Robots'
'Celebrity Mouthwash'
'Peeled Ventilation'
'Tarmac Spinner'
'Dinosaur Horseradish'
'Musical Spanner'
'Muffin Holocaust'
'Walnut Sprain'
'Aubergine Congo'
'Rice Wizard'

The second thing, before we get to the winning entry is the winner himself: Jack Faulkner is no stranger to the world of celebrity being the son of both tax-crime kingpin Wesley Snipes and gruff moustachioed-type Billy Fane (better known as 'Geoff off out of Byker Grove'). He has, however, more than matched both his parents' achievements with his own range of dog perfumes, a reggae studio album recorded in collaboration with David Boreanaz and Terry Nutkins about the trial of Oscar Wilde, and the now notorious 'Basic Instinct recreation' photoshoot for Maxim. He's a man of few words. When congratulated on his success he responded with four simple syllables: 'Death to the west'.

And here it is, the winning clip: 'Lampshade Chronicles'.

But wait. This heady joyride into the heart of pure excitement is not over yet, my friend. There's more. As a prize for his achievements, Mr Faulkner gets a plain white t-shirt depicting a celebrity of his choice as drawn by me. Anyone who's seen my attempts at 'art' will know my style, such as it is, leans heavily towards the extreme boundaries of what I believe is termed 'outsider'. Indeed, severely mentally disabled people have been known to experience their first ever 'sneer' whilst beholding my work. This t-shirt, I feel, will be different: it will be my 'turn-around' piece. The world will take notice. So, Jack Faulkner, pick your celebrity. It could be anyone: it could be former Chancellor of Germany Helmut Kohl; it could be disgraced stool-sniffer Gillian McKeith; it could be maverick homosexual poet Constantine Cavafy...

As I say, it could quite literally be anyone.




UPDATE EDIT:

The celebrity who is to appear on Mr Faulkner's t-shirt has been selected. It will be former Blue Peter presenter and legally proven non-rapist, John Leslie.