Before I go any further, I should state that the only reason this post has the title it does is because those words are currently top of my 'keyword' chart. That's right, more people find this blog by googling the phrase 'Freakishly Deformed Cocks' than by any other means. And how proud my family must be to now have this detail made public.
Actually, they should be proud. The main purpose of this blog is currently to serve as an obstacle which web-meandering filth-hounds will stumble across, temporarily ruining their evening of gentleman's leisure and leaving them a few more frustrating mouse-clicks away from the photographs of freakishly deformed cocks they so lust after. Just the sort of service families should be grateful for.
Anyway, as the now too oft repeated phrase above is so popular, I've cunningly utilised it as a post title to ensnare any browsing internet folk into the world of I Thought I Told You To Wait In The Car. And for good(ish) reasons: I have something to promote.
On the 19th of May (a Tuesday) I will be reading something called 'Dear Millipede' at the New Continental's Word Soup. Now, I'm a panicky reader: I stutter like I've got war-syndrome, I develop a dry-throated croak, and I sweat like an obese paedo at a christening. All in all a hilarious sight for you all to witness. I might even get a nosebleed. All this and more for the bargain-price entry fee of £3. My inability to stand and speak like a normal person will be underlined by the other people who'll also be reading: Emma Lannie, David Hartley, Andrew Michael Hurley, Annie Clarkson and Tim Woodall, all of whom I now owe a sincere apology for tarring them with my filthily pornographic keyword-brush.
To those of you who have read this far after googling 'freakishly deformed cocks', I was going to include a genuine picture of a disfigured male member but, when I googled for them, the only results which came up were from this, my own blog. And I'm very sorry to disappoint you further but there'll also be, as far as I've been informed, no cocks on display at the Word Soup event, freakish or otherwise. However, in my state of blind stage-panic I am liable to do almost anything, so by all means come. By which I mean 'come along'.
Normal, non-plugging service will return soon.
Perhaps 'freakishly deformed cock' should have been your answer to my hot competition question last week. It was, in a way, correct.
ReplyDeleteHa ha! I think if I'd used the phrase in relation to a child's drawing the authorities might be asking me questions by now.
ReplyDeletePlus, 'freakishly deformed' would be a harsh assessment of the work of any artist with such a badass hat.
Oh how I lulz-ed my way through this. I hope your reading goes better than you expect it to - if I ever have to get up and talk in front of more than 2 people I turn into the type of gibbering wreck you'd more likely see on the outtakes of a Socially Inept documentary, which were deemed "too weird and unnerving" for televisual broadcast. So um...good luck!
ReplyDeleteMaybe I should organise an event at which people who are entirely lacking in public speaking skills come to read things out to an audience. It'd be like a support group. Sort of. I'd call it 'Don't Fucking Look At Me!' And no-one would want to come see it, obviously - it's a terrible idea.
ReplyDeleteYou're going to do better than the sweating compère...
ReplyDeletex x
If we're all going to be sweating so much maybe we should put some towels down or something. Otherwise we're going to be skidding about like a troupe of clowns.
ReplyDeletethen Jenn can change the name to Sweat Soup. Yum. Looking forward to meeting/reading with yall.
ReplyDeleteNow trending web searches - sweaty, cock, soup...
ReplyDeleteI have the same issue with public speaking. In crowds, fine. With a microphone, I turn into a crackly voiced 12-year old boy, stuttering and mumbling as though embarrased by the very act of talking. It's one of those human nature things I am not sure can be resolved...Unless such defeatism is itself human nature....
Ow, my head....
Brilliant as always
ReplyDeleteoops I meant to say this on the Skin blog ... but of course they're all brill :-)
ReplyDeleteHa ha!
ReplyDeleteI'll resist the urge to make some joke about you being drawn to the Freakishly Deformed Cocks.
Thanks, Paola!
You are too funny. I wish I could be this funny. I want to read, where you read. Because, at least I don't sweat. And where is that? Britain? We're not so funny in Canada.
ReplyDelete